Cancer Reality Check

I never realized how wide-spread and far-reaching cancer was until this past year brought it to the fore-front of my life.  My aunt passed away from breast cancer in the spring.  Tim's mom was diagnosed 1 week after my dad was.  Two of the parents that I had worked with in the past have been hit with a diagnosis within the last year.  One of my friends even had to put her dog down recently after it had suffered from the disease.  It seems like every time I turn around lately, someone that have been in contact with, or love dearly is having to deal with their lives being turned upside down by one little word- cancer.

Cancer is a mysterious disease to me.  I know that it is expected to effect 1.5 million new people just this year.  More and more patients are being diagnosed every day which also means that more and more patients are dying from cancer (about 1,500 A DAY).  People are walking as we speak in breast cancer 3 days, racing (or sleeping in) for the cure, buying products that support Live Strong or anything pink for breast cancer research, and donating exorbitant amounts of money to foundations to find an escape from this terrible disease.  And yet, we can't find a cure.  We know what causes it and some things that fight it.  We know how to treat it once you have it, and how to support others that get it.  We are searching, supporting, praying, racing, donating, and HOPING...But we can't find a cure.

I said a while back that once we got past the beginning stages of healing, I would begin writing about some of the solutions we explored throughout  our journey with cancer.  We learned many things from all of our readings and from talking to the many people that have touched our lives with stories similar to our own.  I can't say that I've been a perfect saint as far as changing my lifestyle, but I have definitely opened my eyes to the dangers of certain foods!  We can't find a cure yet and I don't know for sure if I can undo 29 years worth of damage that I may have been doing to my body but I'm sure as heck going to give it a shot!  I want to be around when I'm 80...don't  you?!?

One of the main things that we learned was how much crap we subject our systems to every day that our bodies just can't handle.  We weren't meant to eat artificial products made in factories- we were meant to eat foods that exist naturally on the Earth that have been used for thousands of years.  A good rule of thumb is: if you can't pronounce the name of the ingredients in the food, you probably shouldn't be eating it!  So, before I head off to hopefully get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, I leave you with a few things that we have learned should be avoided...have fun purging the cancer-causers from your refrigerator and pantry!  I know that I felt a little more in control of this disease that has taken over my life after throwing a ton of unhealthy items into the trash to make room for those foods that will keep my body running for many, many years to come!

1. Avoid ANY items with additives such as aspartame or sorbitol.  As a lifetime dieter, I was surprised to find how many products I had in my refrigerator that I thought were helping me keep off the pounds when in reality they contained a carcinogen (aspartame) that turns into menthol, which turns into formaldehyde when in your body and gives your system all sorts of fits in trying to get rid of it.  Diet pop and anything that has reduced calories are no-nos.  Also avoid those little pink (artificial, chemical based), yellow (artificial, chlorine added), and blue (aspartame, artificial, chemical based) packets at the dinner table.  If you need to add sweetner to something, use    Stevia.  It's all natural, calorie free, and is actually sweeter than white table sugar. 

2. Sugar- both white and brown.  Since brown sugar is really just white sugar with molasses added to it, it's not any healthier for you than the white stuff.  Cancer feeds off of sugar.  We don't want to FEED cancer, we want to kill it!  I was shocked to see how much sugar I was consuming every day: yogurt, even the vanilla one I thought was healthy had over 10mg, the light dressing I was using on my salads had 16g per serving, my jelly had 11g, and a small bottle of apple juice had 25g!!!  I don't even want to think about how many sugar grams were in my morning Starbucks!  With 24g of sugar being the recommended amount for women per day,  (American Heart Association) I was most likely consuming double or triple that amount and not even realizing it.  And companies are smart with how they hide added sugar in our foods.   They don't make it simple for us by putting "sugar" on the label; they disguise it under names like high fructose corn syrup, sucrose, fructose, maltose (actually, anything with -ose), and maltodextrin.  You can't avoid sugar all together but you can try to limit the amount that you take in by really reading those labels and taking control of what goes in your body!

3. Fried foods contain hydrogenated oils, trans-fats, and acrylamide which is a by-product of the deep frying process.  Acrylamide is a known cancer-causer, and adversely effects both the brain and the reproductive system.  Not good.  I'm slightly partial to my reproductive system since I'm hoping to have a family of my own one day!  Plus, fried foods make you gain weight.  Also not good. 

So there's my input for the night (my apologies for the length of the post).    It wasn't a surprise to me to find out that the above items were carcinogens and unhealthy for me.  What shocked me was how prevalent they are in our diets and in the products that we buy.  Like I said, it really opened my eyes and caused me to look at the foods I put into my body just a bit differently.

Friday at Home

I officially know that I'm out of the 20-something going-out stage when I'm home on a Friday night and the most exciting thing that I can think of to do is update the look of my blog (not very well, obviously, since nothing is centered) and write a new post.  I did begin the night by spending a few wonderful hours catching up with Courtney, my best friend, and eating everything on the P.F. Changs menu.  I mean, she is eating for two (oops...cat out of the bag!) and I had to keep up ;-)  Then we went to the new H&M and checked out all the great clothes they had to offer.  I ended up spending over $200.  In a store that is well known for it's cheap but stylish clothing, I am convinced that I picked out the most expensive item in there- an $80 winter coat.  It was so cute though that it was worth it and it was so much fun to catch up with my good friend!

Everyone has been asking how I've been doing lately.  My new answer is, "I'm coping".  If I said I was ok, I'd be lying and if I really told people how I've been feeling, the answer would be much longer and more involved than they would have time for or even care to listen to.  So, coping it is.  It's so weird to me that I'll be in the middle of doing mundane, every day activities and the tears will just start to flow.  Can't listen to country songs for fear that a Kenny Chesney song will remind me of the last birthday I was able to celebrate with him.  Can't watch football because knowing that I won't see him calling plays on the sideline is just too much to handle.  I moved his golf clubs out of my garage the other day so that I wouldn't have to see them every morning that I walked to my car.  And, thank goodness my mom hasn't yet turned his phone off- I call it regularly just to hear him when the voice mail picks up.  I feel like I've been walking around like half a person- in zombie mode- just trying to get through the day.  After over a month, I feel like any normal person would be starting to get back to life by now...but I guess everyone heals differently and at different paces.  

The girls at Rachel's wedding

To give me something positive and happy to look forward to, I'm currently counting down the days until I'm reunited with my best friends from college (only 5 to go!!).  Spending time with them will be just what the doctor ordered after a few tough weeks and I can't wait to see them, cheer on our Devils on Saturday, meet baby Aubrey, eat some Oreganos, and just relax!  If there's one thing that I learned from my father, it was to never make yourself so busy that you can't make time for people that matter.  Despite his 100+ hour work weeks, he always made time for us kids, for my mom, and for weekly Monday phone calls with his dad.  I have been very lucky to have a group of friends that have been able to stay close throughout the last 7ish years although we are spread all over the world (literally.... Kate left us for Australia!) and don't get to see each other often.  We have supported each other through some great times and some really tough ones and have outlasted every disagreement along the way!  I am blessed to have such wonderful friends and the time and the means to be able to travel to see them next weekend!


Happy weekend everyone! :-)

Rest, Relaxation, and Race Planning

With the waves of supportive texts, well-wishing phone calls, flowers, sympathy cards and dinner offers coming to an end, we are finally faced with picking up the pieces of our lives and trying to find a way to move along.  Not going to lie, it's a slow process.  Luckily my fall break (if you can call two days off a break) fell at just the right time for me to be able to spend a much-needed weekend with my mom.

We headed out of the city and up to Gatlinburg, TN to enjoy the beauty of the changing leaves and cooler weather.  We didn't plan on it pouring rain the entire 5 hour drive up there.  Let's just say that talking about memories of my dad, recapping what lead up to his passing, and comforting each other as we spilled about our feelings didn't mix well with driving in a downpour.  We arrived safely but promised each other that we wouldn't talk about anything "sad" on the way home- just in case our guardian angels had been working overtime on our drive up!

It was awesome to see the view from our window in the morning!  The leaves were such beautiful colors and they don't call the range the "Smoky Mountains" for nothing.  Since it was raining still, we chose to spend the day wandering around the Aquarium.  We literally sat and watched the penguins for 2 hours- they were so cute and we just loved how they paired up with their mate and lived in their own little houses together!

On Saturday we were so thankful to have a sunny (but still chilly) day to explore and enjoy.  We took a tram up the mountain to look around the ski slopes that are available in Gatlinberg.  I tried to find a trail map to bring home since Tim loves maps and loves skiing even more.  I couldn't figure out why everyone kept looking at me like I had 3 heads when I would ask them but eventually realized that a ski hill with only 3 runs doesn't need trail maps.  We're so spoiled in Colorado! :-)  My mom felt like tapping into her German roots and participating in the Oktoberfest celebration at the mountain peak.  After dancing the Chicken Dance, sharing a pretzel, singing along to songs with words I couldn't pronounce, and drinking a German beer that my mom said "tasted like horse pee" our spirits were lifted quite a bit.  It's strange to me how easily laughing and having fun comes even while we are mourning still.  It's definitely a roller coaster and every day is different but it's nice to share a laugh and a smile after so many tears have been shed.  We spent the rest of the day enjoying the local art galleries and spending some money on one-of-a-kind items.  So many creative people!

Mom with the accordian guy

    




On Sunday we spent the day driving through the Smoky Mountain National Park and decided to stop and take a quick hike up to Laurel Falls.  It was so beautiful and the weather was warm- it was a perfect day!  We spent the rest of the day in the car driving back to Nashville to have dinner and do a little race planning with some great friends.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have severe ADD (not ever diagnosed but I'm convinced) and after 6+ hours driving around, I was ready to jump out the window!  There's a reason why I have a million Southwest miles and don't drive anywhere!  But, being able to spend time with my mom was VERY worth it.  We needed time together to laugh, to cry, to remember and hadn't had a chance to do so since my dad passed away.  We need each other now more than ever and although we will always feel the pain of him being gone, it's good that we have family to lean on.

Dinner was wonderful and after brainstorming and bouncing ideas off of each other, we decided that if we are going to create a charitable event in my dad's name, it should be a golf tournament, not a race.  He hated running and spent his life in the off season on any golf course he could get a tee time on so this will fit much better.  Since changing our minds, things have really taken off!  We have a date set (June 28th and 29th), location (Legends Vanderbilt Golf Course), logos being created, and some sponsors already lined up to help!  Now we're just trying to figure out where the money will go...no easy task.  I'm tired of foundations that raise billions of dollars through events (Race for the Cure to name one) but don't filter the money down to the people who need it the most- the patients that are battling for their lives.  The LAST thing these people need to worry about while staring the possibility of death in the eye is money and if we can find a way to help alleviate some of that stress from even one person, I feel that's worth it.  Eventually we are looking to create a 501c-3 foundation to help others but, for now, we are just looking for some foundation somewhere that will give the money to the people rather than to overhead, research, providing information, scrubs, medical equipment or wherever it usually goes.  I thank God for my partner in crime, Dru, for having a passion for this cause and being willing to help me get it all off the ground.  We are making baby steps every day and I know that by June we will be so proud of what we have done to help!

As my Streams in the Desert reading said on the 30th,
"When all our hopes are gone, 
It is best our hands keep toiling on 
for others' sake:
For strength to bear is found in duty done;
And he is best indeed who learns to make
The joy of others cure his own heartache.

So planning for the 1st Annual "Drive for Dinger" is underway and in full swing (no pun intended)!  Keep touching base for updates!

When One Door Closes...

Being back in Denver is bittersweet.  It's so wonderful to be back in my own bed, not living out of a suitcase, and having the welcome distraction of everyday normalities like working, paying bills, and sorting through the mail.  But, on the other hand, being all alone in the house where I last saw my dad alive has been heartbreaking.  I walked around the house last night after a busy day of running errands and spent hours looking at every picture we have of him.  So many wonderful memories.

But, like the saying goes, "When one door closes, another one opens" or my personal favorite, "Everything happens for a reason."  So, I've been trying to search for the reasoning behind the suffering and pain that our family has been through over the last year and have finally come up with something.  I'm going to borrow an idea that was brought up by a family member and we're going to start an annual race to raise funds to help others that are seeking alternative treatments for their cancer.

 It is well known that my dad passed away while in Mexico for alternative treatments.  They weren't experimental as all the newspapers and television reports stated; they were progressive.  If you Google anything related to alternative cancer treatment centers, millions of results will appear including hundreds of locations in and out of the US that treat cancer using methods that the FDA won't approve.  These centers have treated and saved hundreds of thousands of patients...the majority with Stage 4 cancers.  My dad tried two of them in his quest to find a cure for the rare and very swiftly moving cancer that he was diagnosed with.  He contacted and researched several others.  These centers were the only ones that gave my dad even the smallest chance of living- everyone else told him he would die.  So, we tried them.  And, although he isn't with us today, he did end up living 6 months longer than traditional medicine said he would.  That, to me, is a small success.

In 2011 1,596,670 people in the US are expected to be diagnosed with cancer of one form or another.  Cancer is now one of the top two causes of death, ranking right up there with heart disease.  It is expected to kill 571,950 people which equates to about 1,500 a day!  If alternative treatments are able to give some of these patients hope, a better quality of life, and possibly a chance at survival, what's there to lose?  However, these treatments don't come cheap and because the FDA won't approve some of them because of lack of research (and greed---just my opinion), many of them aren't covered by insurance.  Going to Mexico to have a chance at a future was the one thing that gave my dad hope until the very end.  If I can help, even a little bit, to give others the chance at that same hope, then that's what I'll do.

So, look for more blogs and details about the race we're setting up for this wonderful cause.  Plans are already in the works and I can't wait to see the fruits of our labor when it's all over and we have helped make someone's life a little bit easier while fighting such an unbeatable foe.

Happy Birthday

As with any loss of a loved one, people have all sorts of different beliefs and ideas of where their souls went and when, or if, we will see them again.  Everyone has been more than willing to share their individual beliefs with us over the past two weeks and I find it so interesting to hear about how differently people look at death and life after.
For example, a dear friend of ours wrote me this morning to tell me of her Cherokee beliefs.  The Native Americans have many spiritual and supernatural beliefs and when someone dies, they believe that, for a short time, they come back as a bird.  As she was sitting in her home today and reading the birthday card she had planned on sending my dad, a red bird appeared at her window and began pecking at the glass.  It continued for a while until she said to it, "Is that you Dinger?  If so, Happy Birthday!" and then it flew away.  It is nice to think that he is back to visit us for a bit, in whatever form.
Many people have told us that he is in Heaven and that we will be reunited with him again someday.  I like to imagine that for his birthday today, he booked a 7 am tee time and has been playing a few rounds with other friends and family members that have passed.  Its so healing to think that those that have passed will be reunited with us once again in a better place and I love feeling that my dad had a few friendly faces to welcome him home.
Other people believe that the dead are laid to rest, literally, and that they will continue sleeping until the next coming of Jesus on Earth.  At this time, they will raise to be judged, rejoin with their families, and will walk the Earth in paradise.  Just in case, we dressed him in his t-shirt from his trip to Agusta, his golf shoes, and his golfing glove so when he awakes he can start right in with his next golf game :-)
Regardless of what the belief is,  I know that it gives me solace to feel that my father is in a better place and no longer suffering- no matter where it is, or what form his spirit takes.

Today my dad would've turned 59.  Instead of filling out a card with birthday wishes, I am sitting down on this gloomy day to write a goodbye letter to my him to put in his coffin.  I wasn't able to say goodbye to him in person before he passed so getting my feelings on paper and giving it to him now is the next best that I can do.  On Friday, the 30th, my family was spread out all over the country...my parents were in Mexico getting treatment for my dad, my brother was in Texas visiting friends, and I was working in Colorado.  I never get service at one of my schools so I had left my phone in the car that day- big mistake.  While desperately trying to find a way to get my dad back to the United States before he passed, my mom had called me several times in the early afternoon to get me on a plane to come be with them.  I didn't get the message until 3:30 and she wanted me in San Diego by 6.  I went straight to the airport and felt like all the stars were aligned perfectly when a nice lady at Frontier helped me get a flight at 4:30 that would land a bit before 6.  I prayed the entire way to San Diego for the Lord not to take him until I could arrive and felt like my prayers were answered when we landed 15 minutes earlier than expected.  Unfortunately, he had passed away as soon as my flight took off and the text I sent him telling him how much I loved him never got received.  So hopefully this letter will bring some closure to the guilt that I feel for not being there during his last moments on Earth.

After popping open a bottle of my dad's favorite sparkling wine and toasting his short, but incredibly blessed life on this birthday that he never got to celebrate, we are looking forward to reuniting with our family in a few hours.  This weekend will be our closure of two weeks of planning, mourning, and remembering.  Happy Birthday Dad.

Let the Healing Begin

It's been a week now since my dad passed away.  It doesn't seem like it's been that long.  I can still remember every single detail of what happened a week ago just like it was yesterday.  It plays over and over like a movie in my head every time I try to fall asleep, every time I wake up, every time I do anything that reminds me of time spent with him (which is everything here in Nashville).

We have been trying to start the healing process.  It's coming along very, very slowly.  Our minds just seem to be somewhere else right now, evidenced by the times we have left the car running in the parking lot while heading into a building, forgotten to do things that needed to be done, and "lost" items that are right in front of us (or, in the case of my mother's glasses, right on your head).  It's a process to get back to "normal" life and I know it's going to take a while but we are doing the best we can one day at a time.

So far we have done our share of crying, being angry, wondering "why", and laughing at the good times.  A few things have helped us take the first baby step:

Music- for the celebration of life we are holding, we had to choose a playlist of songs to coordinate with a slideshow of pictures of my dad that will be playing.  Remembering the smile that would come across his face when listening to Alan Jackson, The Temptations, James Taylor, The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, and Kenny Chesney helped us feel like he was right there with us and brought back wonderful memories of summer nights spent on the back porch of our house in Colorado or car trips with music blasting and us singing (or screaming) at the top of our lungs.  Several of the songs made us laugh or made us cry, but they all reminded us of better times spent with him.  It's amazing how music can evoke such emotion and bring up certain memories.

Pictures- to create the slide show we had family members and friends send us pictures of my dad at various stages of his life.  Some of the pictures I had never seen!  It was so wonderful to see my father as a young boy, then as a teenager, and to share all of the stories that came with each photo.  We sorted through pictures for two days and narrowed it down to almost 100 pictures that will be included in his slide show.  With the cancer being our focus of our lives for the last 10 months, it's sometimes difficult to remember what my dad looked like before shedding his hair and almost 100 pounds.  These pictures have been a welcome reminder of who he was for the majority of my life.

My dad's Senior picture

Distractions- The weather here in Nashville has been absolutely beautiful lately.  I cannot imagine having to mourn while being stuck inside on a cloudy, rainy day so I am so thankful that we have had sunny, 80+ degree days to distract us.  We have gotten out of the house and taken several day trips to try and get our minds off of things.  Thank goodness Nashville is entrenched with so much history and offers so much to see and do!  Although every place we have been to reminds us, it is nice to get out of the house and focus on something other than funeral planning for a few hours.

The Hermitage

 On Thursday, Tim and I drove down to Franklin and visited the Carter House.  This house was the center of the Battle of Franklin and still has evidence of over 1,000 bullet holes from the fight that took place right in their front yard.  We continued the historical house touring on Friday with my mom and Bonnie by visiting the Hermitage which was Andrew Jackson's plantation.  The grounds there are so beautiful with peaceful gardens and spacious lawns and it gave us a chance to sit in the grass for a bit under the shade of a tree and talk about my dad.  

Natchez Trace Pkwy Bridge

Yesterday we took off down the Natchez Trace Parkway (so beautiful with all the fall colors) and took advantage of the 85-mile garage sale that was being held.  It's amazing what other people will try to sell- old glass coke bottles, bibs that hadn't been washed, half empty perfume bottles, and even some old, rusted hub caps.  Needless to say, we walked away empty-handed...unless you count the lemonade that we bought from the little guys that had set up a stand.  We drove about 1/4 of the way down the 85 mile loop and made a pit-stop at Puckett's grocery store on our way home.  Puckett's is a Tennessee landmark located in Lieper's Fork; a small grocery store that doubles as a restaurant and live music venue.  From the honor-system check out (just pick out what you want, eat it, and then tell them what you had when you leave), to the fried bologna sandwiches that my grandfather loves so much, to the live country music, it really evokes a small town feel when you step inside the store.

We are very much looking forward to having all of our loved ones here on next week to celebrate his life but until then, we have made a goal to do one fun thing each day to get out and focus on other things.  As my mom says, we have fought cancer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the last 10 months and we're looking forward to not letting it, or the outcome of it, take over our lives any more. 

A Life Worth Living

The last few days have been some of the most trying of my life.  In the interest of trying to cope with our loss, I'm going to try to get out my thoughts without giving too many details in order to keep the privacy of my family. 
My dad was an amazing person.  He accomplished more in his 58 years of life than most people are able to in a lifetime.  He worked his way from high school history teaching and football coaching through the ranks of college teams and into the pros.  I always admired his ability to dedicate himself to his career and his dreams and to push through tough times to accomplish everything he wanted to.  It wasn't always easy and we all sacrificed along the way but what I will always remember and appreciate most about my dad is the fact that he never lost sense of who he was along his journey. 

Probably more well-known for his tough exterior than his sensitive heart, I was one of the few lucky ones that was able to know the true heart of my dad.  The picture that most get to see is one of his colorful language and gruff coaching style while on the football field or the temper that earned him the loving nick-name of "killer mike" amongst a small group of us kids.  But I knew the real Mike.  I knew the man that would do anything to attend every single football game that my brother played.  I knew the man that would pass up lucrative jobs to allow me to finish high school in one place.  I knew the man who never lost track of or was ashamed of his faith in God and I knew the man that was humble and loyal-sometimes to a fault.  I knew the man that was never too busy to help someone in need, never too busy to tell us how proud we made him or how much he loved us.  He loved country music, golfing, football, going to movies, and his family.  He was the greatest man I have ever known and I will forever be greatful for all of the memories and love that we were able to share over the last 29 years. 

On Friday, we lost him.  After being diagnosed with a rare form of cancer on the day before Thanksgiving last year, we have lived with and fought his disease alongside him for almost 10 months.  We were told that only 2% of patients with this disease will live longer than 4 months so, in some ways, we consider the extra 6 months that we were able to spend with him a blessing.  He fought harder than anyone has ever fought and we can honestly say that, at the end of the day, we tried absolutely EVERYTHING we could to help him.  We had hoped that he would make it to his 59th birthday- but the Lord took him 13 days too early.  We just ran out of time.  Maybe, someday, I'll start blogging about the things we tried to help him- the changes in diet, the things we learned about the causes of his disease, and the amazing stories and people that have touched our lives along the way.  I'm sure that the knowledge we have gained through this experience can, and will, help someone or someone they love.  But that'll be for another time...

For now we are focusing on the good times.  The memories.  The healing.  Focusing on planning a funeral to celebrate the man that has touched so many lives.  The outpouring of support for my family has been absolutely amazing.  Friends from all phases of his life, players from as far back as his high school days, family members that we only get to catch up with once every year, and fans from all aspects of his career have come out of the woodwork to support us and cover us in love and prayer.  We have had meals, cards, flowers, edible arrangements, planning help, donations, and more texts, phone calls, emails, and Facebook messages than I could possibly respond to in a lifetime.  I feel so blessed to have been a part of such a wonderful support system and group of faith-based people that can help us remember my father for the strong man he was- not the cancer patient he has been this past year. 

I hope it's true that time heals all wounds.  It's also comforting to think that he's looking over us and walking along side us as we continue living our lives.  Knowing that he's no longer in pain gives me peace and will help us get through this tough time.  In the meantime, I will continue looking at the pictures and accepting the hugs, phone calls, and texts and knowing that I can see my father every time I look at myself in the mirror.

RIP Dad, I'll miss you, I love you, and I'll see you soon...

10-13-52 to 9-30-11

With Kenny Chesney- July 2011